The grace of letting go
23/09/16 05:21
If you read the obituaries like I do, you will occasionally encounter the brief statement, “At . . . ’s request, no services will be held.” I have also participated in elaborate services with complex arrangements that have been dictated by the wishes of the deceased. Every family is different. Every situation is different. I know that there is no single way to grieve and that the time of a funeral is the wrong time for me to engage in extensive education of the family. My role is to listen carefully and assist in whatever ways I am able. One of the messages I try to communicate as we plan funerals is that the loss and grief affect a wider community. As much as a death is a life-transforming experience for the immediate family, they aren’t the only ones the funeral service serves. And, like every gathered community, there will be people in all different stages of grief and loss who gather. For some the experience of a funeral service will be new and unfamiliar. For others, the grief of this particular loss is layered upon many other losses and the grief is compound and complex. When I am given the privilege of officiating at a funeral, I try to keep all of the different people in mind and it is a balancing act. I need to serve the immediate family as well as the wider community. When it works well, we grow together and the family can feel the love and support of the community in their journey of grief.
Funerals seem to come in waves in our particular congregation. Yesterday as we prepared for a large funeral service the call came of another death in the congregation and the funeral home was trying to set the time for the second funeral while we were focused on the other one. I will meet with the grieving family today to work out the remainder of details and although the community is in no way recovered from the first loss, we will come together to offer our love and support for the second one as best as we are able.
It is something that this congregation does well. There is a great deal of understanding and compassion for grieving people and as a pastor it is a joy to be able to arrange for funeral lunches and music and ushers and other worship elements with just a simple phone call. I know I can count on the congregation to come through for those who are in need.
One of the dynamics of dying that often manifests itself early in the process of a disease is that the individual loses control. Different people react differently to this loss of control. Some seek to acquire as much control as they are able exerting their influence and control in areas where they can while experiencing the loss of control in some very basic areas of life, such as where they live and what they eat. Others assume a more submissive role while losing control. They accept with grace the limitations that are placed on them by disease and the natural process of dying. While each of us might try to predict how we would react in a similar situation, our imaginations probably aren’t accurate. It is hard to say how we would react, given the simple fact that our situation is different from others.
As a result, I don’t have a prescription for those who are facing their own death. I don’t possess the knowledge or expertise to tell another how to react. I do, however, have a brief word of caution for those who leave extensive instructions behind for their loved ones.
Communicating your wishes and desires can be helpful. Many times when I am planning a funeral service, I will ask a question about the deceased favorite scriptures or hymns. Often the family simply does not know because those things were never communicated. It can be helpful to grieving family members to have some sense of what the deceased person wanted. A modest level of prearrangement can be very comforting for a family faced with all of the complex decisions and arrangements that come with the loss of a loved one.
Expressing wishes, however, can easily become challenging and difficult requirements in the emotionally-charged environment of planning a family. Often a family member will say, “I wouldn’t have done it that way, but that is what . . . wanted.” Sometimes I am able to remind the family member that their loved one is in the loving and caring embrace of the eternal and that the service is for those who are left behind and grieving. But the sense of duty and obligation that comes with planning a funeral service is very present and powerful. I simply caution those who are making arrangements for their own funerals to be gentle and present suggestions instead of demands. As hard as it is, relinquishing control can be an act of grace for those who have to deal with their own grief while balancing the demands of the community and their sense of what the deceased would have wanted.
In virtually every case where we have been left precise instructions about a funeral service by the one who has died, there is some element of the service with which we are unable to comply. Perhaps a specific musician isn’t available or has suffered an illness or injury. Perhaps the list of music requested exceeds the time available. Perhaps the realities of travel and the availability of the funeral home require an adjustment in the time of day of the service. I can remember three occasions in my time as pastor when two families wanted a funeral in the church at the same time. There are so many variables in planning a funeral service that a certain flexibility is required.
I have tried to be clear in my communications with my family that I want to place no restrictions or requirements on whatever decisions need to be made at the time of my death. I don’t mind communicating a few of my favorite scriptures and songs, but the final choices should be made by those who are grieving in partnership with the one officiating. Suggestions I will make. Requirements I want to avoid. I pray that I will learn the grace of letting go as I experience the loss of control.
Funerals seem to come in waves in our particular congregation. Yesterday as we prepared for a large funeral service the call came of another death in the congregation and the funeral home was trying to set the time for the second funeral while we were focused on the other one. I will meet with the grieving family today to work out the remainder of details and although the community is in no way recovered from the first loss, we will come together to offer our love and support for the second one as best as we are able.
It is something that this congregation does well. There is a great deal of understanding and compassion for grieving people and as a pastor it is a joy to be able to arrange for funeral lunches and music and ushers and other worship elements with just a simple phone call. I know I can count on the congregation to come through for those who are in need.
One of the dynamics of dying that often manifests itself early in the process of a disease is that the individual loses control. Different people react differently to this loss of control. Some seek to acquire as much control as they are able exerting their influence and control in areas where they can while experiencing the loss of control in some very basic areas of life, such as where they live and what they eat. Others assume a more submissive role while losing control. They accept with grace the limitations that are placed on them by disease and the natural process of dying. While each of us might try to predict how we would react in a similar situation, our imaginations probably aren’t accurate. It is hard to say how we would react, given the simple fact that our situation is different from others.
As a result, I don’t have a prescription for those who are facing their own death. I don’t possess the knowledge or expertise to tell another how to react. I do, however, have a brief word of caution for those who leave extensive instructions behind for their loved ones.
Communicating your wishes and desires can be helpful. Many times when I am planning a funeral service, I will ask a question about the deceased favorite scriptures or hymns. Often the family simply does not know because those things were never communicated. It can be helpful to grieving family members to have some sense of what the deceased person wanted. A modest level of prearrangement can be very comforting for a family faced with all of the complex decisions and arrangements that come with the loss of a loved one.
Expressing wishes, however, can easily become challenging and difficult requirements in the emotionally-charged environment of planning a family. Often a family member will say, “I wouldn’t have done it that way, but that is what . . . wanted.” Sometimes I am able to remind the family member that their loved one is in the loving and caring embrace of the eternal and that the service is for those who are left behind and grieving. But the sense of duty and obligation that comes with planning a funeral service is very present and powerful. I simply caution those who are making arrangements for their own funerals to be gentle and present suggestions instead of demands. As hard as it is, relinquishing control can be an act of grace for those who have to deal with their own grief while balancing the demands of the community and their sense of what the deceased would have wanted.
In virtually every case where we have been left precise instructions about a funeral service by the one who has died, there is some element of the service with which we are unable to comply. Perhaps a specific musician isn’t available or has suffered an illness or injury. Perhaps the list of music requested exceeds the time available. Perhaps the realities of travel and the availability of the funeral home require an adjustment in the time of day of the service. I can remember three occasions in my time as pastor when two families wanted a funeral in the church at the same time. There are so many variables in planning a funeral service that a certain flexibility is required.
I have tried to be clear in my communications with my family that I want to place no restrictions or requirements on whatever decisions need to be made at the time of my death. I don’t mind communicating a few of my favorite scriptures and songs, but the final choices should be made by those who are grieving in partnership with the one officiating. Suggestions I will make. Requirements I want to avoid. I pray that I will learn the grace of letting go as I experience the loss of control.